Making it on Made in Chelsea

599769_10151139302495242_1456920270_nIn front of me, Spencer Matthews (sexy rogue-type whose daddy owns superstar hangout the Eden Rock Hotel in St Barths) is dressed in nothing but a skin-tight jumpsuit, performing a range of contortions that wouldn’t look out of place in a 70s porn film but are somewhat at odds with the demure surroundings of the Valmont Club, where we are filming. My stage directions are to converse with my drinking partner, then (at a given cue) frown in subtle disapproval, and walk off screen (quietly – in one take, my 6-inch Ted Baker heels forced a re-shoot).

This is ‘constructed reality series’ Made in Chelsea’s end of season show, where ‘some scenes are filmed for your entertainment’ – and they’re not exaggerating. Lines were fed to the cast (some members, although it would be indiscreet to say whom, struggled to remember simple sentences) and the scene was conducted by a bad-tempered, badly-fitting-jeans-wearing director (like any advertising shoot, basically).

My favourite moment was a conversation with one of the cast (again, to remain nameless) about the force-to-area ratio of 5mm diameter high heels – it was my attempt at a chat-up line but the result was a blank expression and a flicker of panic behind the eyes. The moral of this story? Don’t let strategists near celebrities.

Catch the end of season show on E4 tonight at 10pm or on 4oD.

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